Fuck all y’all

Years go fast. I can’t be sure whether it was 10 or more years since I was the recipient of disdain from someone I had considered a friend. What’d I do? Hung out with the friend of this friend. Was it just a guy thing? Was I the asshole? I’m sure I overshared, there’s no way that helped anything but, it wasn’t something I thought would be carried for ten – or more – years. A big reason why I thought that was because in the end, I’m the one who ended up alone.

The friend of this friend was more than that (to me, anyway I don’t think I’m capable of doing friends with benefits). I really liked being with him. It was nice to be wanted, to have a good time to feel like maybe I wasn’t disposable after all but I didn’t listen. It was made clear to me that this wasn’t a long term thing and I just blew it off and kept trying to make it into something I wanted it to be but the other person had no intention of that being the way things went.

So now it’s a fucking decade later and I’m back in the dead of winter for the first time since 2019 and now I have fucking covid for the first time and can’t even smell the orange blossom soap I ordered from California. I’ll be genuinely devastated if my sense of smell is gone for good.

Something is wrong here. I don’t belong here.

Back to the situation that didn’t need to be. The reason it became a fucking situation for me is because I am an idiot and didn’t realize the grudge or the lack of empathy. I never thought I’d even be thinking about this whole episode but here I am. I’m sure part of my obsessing is because I’m sick but it’s not the only reason. It’s also because of the fact that both these guys get a pass.

The one I was drawn to as more than a friend is at a new corporate gig because he has a professional sugar daddy. I’ve seen that before an have never been able to break into the game. I did try getting into the whole ‘buddy system’ game with this guy and even with someone from a former company — a manager who had a big, careless, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ hand in derailing my career — but not only did it fuel my resentment because it didn’t result in a job with either company, it’s a longer story even if it does fall under the same umbrella of fuck all y’all.

The one holding the grudge, the one who sent me the following text, well, that’s just him being him. He’s always being an asshole to people, he doesn’t care if he kills a relationship no matter how long or how close and even his dearly departed wife just shrugged it off just like everyone else around him he’s still granted the privilege of being in contact with. I know the whole ‘hurt people hurt people’ thing but we’re headed into our 60’s. (There’s a lot of sarcasm in there in case it wasn’t clear.)

Fuck you, you disingenuous piece of shit! You showed your true self 8 years ago when I told (the other guy) to fuck off. You exist for your own self preservation and pleasure and have no concept of what friendship is. I have zero interest in your sympathies or companionship.Please never contact me again. If we ever cross paths in a social engagement I will ignore your presence and would hope you’ll do the same.

After making that text red and saying FUCK ALL Y’ALL and meaning it. I’ll start a new category and get away from this screen for a bit. None of this is fair but when the fuck was life ever fair. The virus has fogged up my brain and fucked up my senses. I’m not wrong but I’m not feeling ok either.